on being twenty

YOU is still not around. I wonder when YOU will come. I have been waiting all my miserable life for YOU.

I just turned twenty last June 23 and still YOU is not there.

June 23 is just a plain day. Nothing different. Same routines. Nothing interesting. The only good thing that could happen is YOU to be around, to exist, finally. But YOU did not come. And I am still alone. Still forgotten. Still the boring me that YOU would not want to know.

Sometimes I wonder if my life even matters.

I have no direction. I have no goal. I need YOU. I am pathetic for asking YOU to change my life. YOU could say I could do it for myself and should not do it for anyone else. But I feel so tired. I have been doing everything for others all my life. I have been doing good things for them. I want to do something for me. And I want YOU to do the same for me. For once, I would like YOU to make me feel special. Even for a while, I would like YOU to fill me with desire to live. I am unhappy. I am empty. I need YOU.

So am I in a hurry to grow up? Of course I am. I would like to find YOU. I would like YOU to free me from the sadness of my childhood. Now that I am twenty, all I care about is YOU. Where to find YOU… How to find YOU… Who is YOU…

Hopefully with YOU, I can recover the dream I have lost as I had grown into this pathetic confused man YOU knows. I can plan my life with YOU and build every dream for YOU, and for us. YOU could transform the child in me to a mature man YOU needs. I promise to be there for YOU. I would change for YOU.

But still YOU is not around. But until YOU arrives, I will prepare myself to be worthy of the attention YOU will be giving me. Twenty is a good number to begin, to mend every mistake from scratch. No more worries. No more pretensions. When YOU comes, I will be ready.

Hopefully on my twenty first, YOU is already beside me. And I will be living my life well-planned.

Apathy may be there. But determination will get me going.

The very thought of YOU will get me going.